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Rekindling Passion: How to Improve Your Sex Life in Marriage

Sometimes, marriage comes with stress and apathy that attack your sexual relationship. Here are a few tips on how to improve your sex life!

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It was hot and heavy in the beginning, but after years with a partner, the sexual fizzle is a real issue for many couples. If you got here by searching “how to improve your sex life,” you’re not alone. Guys, you’ve now realized she burps and farts like a sailor, and it’s been a month since you saw her in anything but your old ratty sweatpants. Ladies, the hair he’s losing from his head is growing thick and lush in his ears and on his back, his idea of romance is slapping you on the butt on his way through the kitchen, and most nights involve at least one nap in the recliner.

Some of these are just signs of comfort pointing to a healthy, long-lasting relationship, but they aren’t sexy. If you find yourself in this dynamic, it might be time to put a little oomph back into your sex lives. Let’s dive into sexual health, talk about some of the complications that occur with age and apathy, and gather some quick tips on how to improve your sexual experience!

Kicking Off Great Sex With Great Dates

If you’re looking for ways to improve your sex life, odds are you’ve been neglecting dating your partner for a while. Here at Adventures From Scratch, we believe in the power of a creative, romantic date night! That’s why we’ve created Adventures From Scratch: Date Edition. This baby has more than 50 hot dates specially crafted by a team of relationship and travel experts to provide the perfect fusion of adventure and romance! Just consult the key, scratch off a date, and enjoy!

Getting Your Groove Back: How to Improve Your Sex Life

You’re tired. The kids are screaming. Work is awful, and somehow sex is the last and first thing on your mind simultaneously. You know you need to put some effort into sexual intimacy. You know it benefits both your physical and mental health. You’re well aware that you could use the stress relief, but how do you get the ball rolling?

As a wife of almost 20 years, I totally get it. Without getting too personal, sex in marriage can become mundane. You have your favorite, tried and true ways, and you get stuck in them. Also, your body changes as you get older, and that creates sex drive issues too. However, like all parts of a good marriage, healthy sex takes work. If you’re willing to put in the effort, it’s time to get your good sex back, people!

1. Institute a weekly date night.

This sounds too easy to be helpful, but spending dedicated alone time with your spouse is step one to a better sex life. Women specifically have a hard time showing physical intimacy if they haven’t been given enough emotional intimacy in recent days. To get the best sexual response from your partner, sometimes the best place to start is a nonsexual date invitation.

Get dressed up. Go somewhere that you both love, somewhere quiet where you can talk, dance, or do some public cuddling. Try to refrain from talking about kids or work. This is your time to reignite your passion for each other. Everything else is secondary on date night.

2. Check in with each other.

Sexual problems are exacerbated when combined with poor communication. The only way to solve sexual issues is to do it together, and your partner cannot fix a problem that they don’t know exists. Sexual problems vary widely between couples, and they’ll change as you age, so you’ll likely have to have this talk often throughout a long marriage.

Talk about your sexual desire or lack thereof. If you’re having some issues with body image, tell your partner. If you’re bored with the same old routine, suggest some new sex toys or a wild new position. A healthy sex life starts with emotional connection and proper communication. Don’t believe us? A study produced by BMC Women’s Health listed “intimate communication” with their partners as one of the best protective mechanisms against female sexual dysfunction!

3. Address sexual dysfunction issues with a doctor.

While many issues that arise with sex stem from emotional needs not being met, the business of life, or laziness, some are true physical health issues that need to be addressed by a physician. As males age, erectile dysfunction is commonplace and can be treated with medication or devices that help increase blood flow to the area.

When women age, our insides tend to shift about, and you may need to speak to someone about pelvic floor exercises or kegel exercises. As we enter menopause, vaginal dryness can make for very painful sex, and your doctor may prescribe a prescription strength lube or supplements to help with vaginal health.

Antidepressants and medications for high blood pressure, cholesterol, or heart disease can affect sexual performance as well. Talk about a terrible side effect! If you notice your sex drive suffering after a medication change, talk to your doctor. Your sex life is an important part of your overall well-being. Sex has numerous health benefits, too, so don’t assume that nothing can be done. Talk to your doctor.

4. Schedule your sex if you need to.

Scheduling sex sounds like the most unromantic idea on the planet, I know. However, during the years when you’re kids are growing up, you’re running them here and there constantly, and you’re in the throes of advancing your career, it can be the only way to get some action. Sometimes, you just have to pull out a calendar, find a time that works for you both, and write it in with a Sharpie! Look at it as prioritizing your sex life. You’re giving it a proper place and setting aside time to ensure you and your partner continue to enjoy each other.

5. Don’t forget the foreplay.

Here comes that laziness word again. As relationships get comfortable and you find the things that work for you, you tend to fall into the same old patterns. Eventually, one or both of you is going to get bored. There is a time and place for quick sex, but on your date nights or when you scheduled that time on the calendar, take your time.

Foreplay is especially important for female orgasm during sex. Many women require genital stimulation, especially of the clitoris, in order to climax. Women have the wonderful ability to experience multiple orgasms during a sexual encounter, so see how many you can rack up in an evening. Longer foreplay also results in more intense swelling and lubrication of the female genitalia, which typically produces more enjoyable vaginal sex for both parties.

6. Lift your partner up.

We’re not talking about Kama Sutra gymnastics here (although if you’ve got the ability, go on with your bad self). We’re talking about in an emotional sense. The same study mentioned above with “intimate communication” also states that women who receive daily affection from their partner and have a positive body image are the least likely to suffer from sexual dysfunction.

Truth be told, everyone likes to hear that they look good. That’s especially true if it’s sexual desire being expressed by your partner. Not only does truthfully and meaningfully lifting up your partner make them feel good, but it also reminds you of all their good qualities, helping you fall in love over and over again.

7. Go for something off the wall.

Every once in a while, change up your sexual activity. Google a new sex position. If both parties are willing, incorporate some sex toys, or experiment with safe aphrodisiacs. There are no rules in your sexual relationship except the ones you make together, so as long as both parties are comfortable with the changes (that whole communication thing again), go for something new tonight!

8. Improve your physical fitness level.

Pretty much every major study on sexual function finds a link between physical activity and gratification. People who maintain a good level of physical fitness typically have better sex. Not only do they have more of it, but it’s also more gratifying. If you’ve let your physical health wane a bit lately, put in some effort to improve it, and it may just have more benefits than you think! Losing a bit of weight may reverse your diabetes, lower your blood pressure, get you off those cholesterol pills, improve your body image and depression, lower anxiety, and might even get you off some of those medications that have yucky side effects. Give it a shot!

9. Consult a sex therapist.

For some of you, all this sex talk has given you hives. You want to experiment more. You want a better sex life with your partner, but you’ve just got issues that you can’t tackle on your own. If you’ve been a victim of sexual abuse, have body dysmorphia, or feel uncomfortable about sex for an unknown reason, visiting with a sex therapist is the absolute best way for you to address these issues and start working towards a healthy relationship with sex. There is no shame in getting help from an expert. Your problem doesn’t need to be extreme, either. If you’re not satisfied with the state of your physical relationship and answers aren’t coming, schedule an appointment!

10. Go to bed together.

When at all possible, try to go to bed with your spouse. Prepare for bed together. Bump into each other in the bathroom. Hop in a shared shower by low light, and then go to bed together. Also, do this before you’re dead tired. Stumbling to bed after falling asleep on the couch or watching TV every night is a recipe for no sex.

11. Get the kids out of your bed.

Not to sound harsh here, but if children are sleeping in your bed every night, you’re prioritizing their comfort over your sex life. Put the kids in their own beds, leaving the option for them to come in later if they still get scared. Go to bed with your spouse and your spouse alone.

12. Turn off the TV.

In this generation, we all have a bad habit of too much screen time. We fall asleep with the TV blasting a Netflix show while we’re simultaneously scrolling through TikTok mindlessly. Make your bedroom an oasis from all that, and when you enter your bed, turn off the screens. The moments before sleep are for you and your spouse to catch up on the day and do some cuddling. Trade mindless scrolling for reconnecting, and see where it leads.

13. Be patient with yourself and each other.

It’s possible, but your sex life is unlikely to do a 180 in one experience. It didn’t get to this state overnight, and it’s not going to fix itself overnight, either. It’s especially important to be patient with yourself if you’re experiencing bodily changes due to age or have any kind of trauma that affects your ability to enjoy sex.

Healing of any kind is a process, but if you’ve got the right partner, you’ll support and encourage each other through it. At the beginning of your sexual recovery process, you may talk more than you (insert preferred coitus term here), and that’s okay. Give yourself time and space to explore new things slowly, work your way through hangups, and gradually learn to let go.

Final Notes on How to Improve Your Sex Life

Some of you no doubt rolled your eyes at least once reading this, and that’s okay. Any article on how to improve your sex life is going to have some bits that aren’t for you. However, don’t underestimate the power of the little things! Sometimes, the smallest and seemingly most obvious changes are the hardest to make and the most effective. What you’ve been doing isn’t working, so it’s time to change things up. A healthy sex life, just like a healthy marriage, takes selflessness, hard work, and the willingness to continually battle our own apathy. While it’s normal for sexual desire to ebb and flow over the course of a marriage, make sure you don’t stay in the slump too long!

Long-term relationships are a beast all their own, and sometimes unwanted surprises pop up even years into a relationship. If you’re finding yourself disgusted with your long-term partner, take a look at “Navigating the Ick in a Long-Term Relationship.”

If you’re sexual relationship is struggling, it could be due to deeper emotional chasms between you and your spouse. Take some tips from “Rekindling the Flame: Steps to Reconnect with Your Spouse” to get back on track.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some simple ways to improve your sex life?

Improving your sex life can be as simple as making it a priority. Set aside a dedicated date night, schedule your time together, and go to bed at the same time, alone (no kids)!

How can you improve your sex life?

Improve your sex life by regularly checking in with your partner, improving your physical fitness, and refocusing on meaningful foreplay. You both need to want to improve, as well!

What is a healthy sex life?

Healthy sex is when both partners feel satisfied and safe within the boundaries you set. It focuses on intimacy and respect. Partners also check in often to ensure sexual and emotional gratification.

How can I rekindle my sex life?

Reignite the flame in your love life by instituting a weekly date night, trying new positions, focusing on foreplay, or seeing a sex therapist for some counseling.

Is bad sex normal in a marriage?

Fluctuations in sexual activity and drive in a marriage are perfectly normal. If you’re struggling, consider seeing a sex therapist or a doctor to talk about the possible causes.

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