The healthiest relationships rely on effective communication and mutual support. These come fairly easily when times are good, but it gets harder to navigate the waters and know how to support your partner when things get tough. Every person is different. Our needs are different. Our ability to accept help, take advice, and what form of support we respond best to, all vary based on personality, the situation, and maybe even on the day. When you add a whopping pile of stress to the mix, it can be hard to know how to support your partner best without being overbearing or insulting. Let\u2019s take a look at the research and dig into some personal experience as well to line out the best ways to be a supportive partner!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Quality time together can make a huge difference during hard times. Here at Adventures From Scratch<\/em>, we have poured our hearts and souls into creating our scratch-off adventures book<\/a> to help romantic partners create quality dates that focus on intimate conversation and fun! We consulted couples with more than 50 years under their belts together, and adventure experts too, to craft 50+ adventures that are sure to keep your dating life spontaneous, romantic, and most importantly, emotionally supportive! Grab your copy, and start dating better!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bear in mind as you read that you’ll need to tweak each tip given. Your partner is an individual. So are you. These are basic suggestions that are generally effective, but you may need to utilize them differently than other couples. Maybe you need to try them all, maybe one small change will do. You\u2019ll probably have to do some experimenting to see what works best with your partner in this particular situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Writer note:<\/em><\/strong> I\u2019m not a relationship expert, but I have been in a successful marriage for 18 years and have been with my partner for 20. In those years, we have been counseled, counseled other couples, and worked through all the difficulties of life. If there’s one thing I have learned, it\u2019s that relationships are dynamic. My marriage today is not the same relationship it was when I was 22, and as we grow and change in this life, we must grow and change in our relationships as well. If some of these tips seem out of place for your relationship, take some time to consider them, but if it\u2019s not appropriate, just move on to the next one. You know your loved one best, and you likely have an inkling of what kind of support they\u2019ll respond to best. Just remember the goal is not to make the problem go away or to make yourself more comfortable. The goal is to find a way to help your partner!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your partner needs to know that come rain or shine, wind or storm, you’re their biggest supporter. Just before I got married, I got some of the best relationship advice from an elderly woman. I can still hear her voice all these years later. She said, \u201cHoney (in the way that old Southern ladies do)… remember, the enemy is out there, not in your husband. The fight is never really you against him. It\u2019s you and him, together, against the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think back often on her words, and I still find them to be true. The enemy is the stress, the money problems, the mental health struggles, the health issue… the enemy is not<\/em> my partner. In order to be a supportive spouse, it pays to remind your partner (and yourself) that no matter what happens, you’re their biggest fan. You\u2019ll fight through it with them, and you\u2019re on their side. Sometimes, especially if you’re being blamed for the problem at the moment, this frame of mind is hard to keep, but hear that little lady in your mind, as I do, and remember, your partner is just stressed and likely doesn\u2019t mean to take it out on you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another beautiful couple once told my husband and me that every single week of their 50-year marriage, they sat down and had a meaningful conversation about the dynamics of their relationship. One of them will just say, \u201cSo… how are we doing?\u201d The other knows that means this is their chance to openly and honestly discuss anything they need to bring up. It might be all good this week. There might be some little things that need tweaking. Either way, asking your partner regularly and adjusting keeps your relationship on track and is the best way to show you care genuinely about their happiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The hardest part of any close relationship, whether it\u2019s romantic or with a friend or family member, is learning to actually listen when your loved one speaks. We all have a tendency, especially during tough times, to partially listen while we create a fierce and furious rebuttal. We don\u2019t take time to ponder the other person\u2019s point of view or give them proper emotional support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Active listening requires paying attention to your body language. When your partner needs to talk, set aside time when you and they can fully focus. Sit facing them, get off of social media, and keep good eye contact. Ask open-ended questions and repeat important aspects of what they say to ensure that you’re understanding correctly and to reinforce that you’re truly listening. Don\u2019t interrupt, utilize silences to think about your partner\u2019s point of view, and don\u2019t formulate your response until they are done speaking. The goal is not to win the argument, change their opinion, or solve the problem for them. The goal is to show support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For more tips on active listening, check out our new guide to \u201cHow to Become a Better Listener<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In seasoned relationships, sometimes the best move is just to ask your partner what they need. Even though you know them better than anyone else, that doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re a mind reader. If your spouse is going through a difficult time, just ask \u201cWhat do you need from me?\u201d They may say nothing. They may unload. It depends on the day. If they say \u201cnothing,\u201d just reassure them that if something comes up to let you know, you\u2019d be glad to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When stress levels are high, people often don\u2019t know what they need and will have trouble answering number 4. As a supportive spouse, pay attention to keywords in your partner\u2019s verbiage. They may say things like, \u201cI just wish I had more time to play with the kids,\u201d or \u201cI feel so fat and unhealthy. I need to change my diet.\u201d They might mention that they are incredibly tired, would love a good bath, or need a glass of wine. Pay attention to these little phrases, and make them happen tomorrow. There\u2019s no need to talk about it, or ask questions, just make it happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why is it so hard for some of us to ask for help? For certain personalities, admitting that you don\u2019t have it all together is degrading and just makes us feel like failures. We\u2019ll literally drown in stress and tasks before asking for help. While this personality can be stressful for the other spouse, it\u2019s part of the game. Utilize numbers 4 and 5 to make educated guesses at what your partner needs, and take action. Whatever you can do to take something off their plate, do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you choose to take some chores from your partner, or you go out of your way to create a stress-free evening or two for them, there’s no need to talk about it. Do not keep a record of the good things you do for your spouse. They should not feel obligated to repay you for helping them. They shouldn\u2019t feel indebted to you or guilty that you\u2019re taking on more responsibilities this week. Especially if they have that personality we were just talking about, this will make them feel like even more of a failure. If your motives are genuine, then do the good deed, and be okay with no acknowledgment of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-care is vital to being a good partner. In order to protect your relationship and help your partner through tough times, you have to tend to your own wellness. See your therapist, pray or meditate, get some exercise, eat healthy, and take some alone time to rest. When you\u2019re tired and stressed, you’re of no use to anybody else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you have been dating for a month or married for 50 years, date nights are important! Life has a tendency to get away from us. If we aren\u2019t careful, our whole world will begin to revolve around work, the kids, and community responsibilities, and before you know it, it will have been a month since you had a good conversation (or a good bedroom session)… neither of which is healthy for your romantic relationship! When couples are comfortable with one another, they tend to think they no longer need dates. It\u2019s not a priority. They\u2019re fine! However, pretty much every relationship coach on the planet will disagree with your assessment. You need devoted and quality time focusing on each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Grab a copy of Adventures From Scratch: Date Edition<\/em><\/a>, and scratch off a date each week. Relationships take effort, but the results are worth it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people (my husband) don\u2019t really need anything during tough times except for room to think. If your partner is a slow processor, give them time to work it out. Don\u2019t force them to discuss it. Avoid asking too many questions. Don\u2019t attempt to solve the problem for them. Just pick up the slack around the house for a few days. Let them know that you’re available if they want to bounce ideas off of you. Pour them a drink, and escort them to a quiet lawn chair to think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the easiest ways to make your partner feel valued is to show physical affection. Whether sexual or not, cuddling, hugging, or even a simple offer of your hand, can release loads of oxytocin and help bring down your partner\u2019s stress level. For everyone\u2019s well-being, a couple of 20-second, full-frontal hugs a day are a great idea!<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your partner is upset, don\u2019t try to drag them out of it. They need to process their feelings and likely need to vent. Phrases like \u201cDon\u2019t be mad,\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal,\u201d are not likely to be successful. Instead, let them get it out. Listen attentively. Offer some physical contact, and let them know you\u2019ve got their back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to an article published in the American Psychological Association<\/a> journal, research shows that while visible support does increase relationship satisfaction, it can also produce an increase in anxiety on the recipient\u2019s part. This goes back to that whole self-esteem thing and feeling like a failure when you realize that your partner is having to take on more responsibility to make up for your shortcomings. The research showed that silent support did not produce this excess anxiety. So, how can you support your partner silently?<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s the little things! Here are just a few ideas for offering your spouse some support without creating guilt or anxiety.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Knowing how to support your partner can be difficult. Even when you know what to do, it can take some real pride-swallowing and sacrifice! Remember, it\u2019s only for a short time. If you find that your partner\u2019s stress is becoming chronic and that the situation isn\u2019t resolving, then it may be time to reach out to a professional for some counseling for one or both of you. For most instances, it will be fleeting, and you\u2019re partner will likely do the same for you next week. Healthy relationships are a two-way street of support, nurture, and patience. You got this!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Check out this list of incredible date ideas<\/a> for the weekly date night you’re going to institute! We\u2019ve even made them free!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Girme, Y. U., Maniaci, M. R., Reis, H. T., McNulty, J. K., Carmichael, C. L., Gable, S. L., Baker, L. R., & Overall, N. C. (2018). Does support need to be seen? Daily invisible support promotes next-day relationship well-being. <\/a><\/u>Journal of Family Psychology, 32<\/u><\/a><\/em>(7), 882\u2013893.<\/a><\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n Emotional intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship. Give them space<\/a> to think, take care of your own well-being<\/a>, and learn to be a good listener<\/a>.<\/p> <\/div> If your partner is having a tough time, take something off their plate<\/a> by doing their share of the chores, plan a date night<\/a> where they can just show up, and ask them what they need<\/a>.<\/p> <\/div>
\n\n\n\nHow to Be a Supportive Partner<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The Best Ways to Support Your Partner Through Good Times and Bad<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Reassure your significant other that you\u2019re on their team.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Check in often… even when times are good.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Learn to be a good listener.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Ask them what they need.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Pay attention to keywords.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. Don\u2019t make them ask for help.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Don\u2019t keep a record.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. Take care of your own needs.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
9. Make date night a priority.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
10. Give your partner space to think.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
11. Don\u2019t forget the power of physical affection.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
12. Don\u2019t try to change their feelings.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes silent support is the best support!<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nNow, go be awesome!<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
References<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nFrequently Asked Questions<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
To show your support for your partner, learn active listening<\/a>, check in with each other regularly<\/a> and work on problem areas, and show them you care with physical affection<\/a>.<\/p> <\/div>